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It’s not so much the anticipation of what’s about to come… it’s more, the pain through the process.  I was struck hard… I couldn’t move through the barriers that surrounded my thoughts of, “why”? “How could this happen?” Everything in life was perfect… maybe too perfect.  BUT WHY? As a Christian woman, am I even allowed to ask why? 

It was 7:15pm, on a Tuesday night, May 11th, 2004 to be exact. I had the grueling task of working a late shift this week.  A little over three months pregnant and all I could do was to drag myself off the train and think of my bed.  There was no time to eat… the food in the container was all I had to get to service on time for prayer.  New Mommy to be and blah was on my mind.  Little did I know my world was about to be turned upside down in a matter of minutes. 

Dusk was falling and the moon’s shimmering beauty was extra alluring tonight. 

Breathlessly whisked myself into the truck, gave my love some sugar and noticed he was extra quiet.  His eyes were a cocktail of determination with concern.

Silence

Driving away, my eyes drowning into the beauty of the dusk… and then it happened… the turn of events that will change my world forever. 

“You know you’re a woman after God’s own heart.” With wisdom on his lips, and love that poured through every vein in his body.  My husband continued, “You are someone who when determined, can move mountains”.  Not understanding his words, yet my spirit knew what was happening, within me screamed, “PAPI!”  Can it be possible, that the one man I adored all my life, the one man who was untouchable would be touched?  He had some test done this past week, but I was told they are of no concern.  “The Devil is trying to kill him with cancer.  Your parents asked me to tell you due to your condition.  They are strong but couldn’t bear seeing your pain right now.”

Silence

I was determined, NO TEARS!

Silence

NO TEARS CYNTHIA!

Silence

My world was touched….

“Are you ok?” whispered my husband not desiring to break the reverenced silence.  “Yes” I whispered.  Understanding how the first words that come out of us are the most important and definitive in any situation.  I pushed through with a vengeance and said what would become my foundation for the next 7 years, “My God is strong, a healer… and Satan can’t do anything about that!” “Everything will be fine”.

no tears… just silence

To Be Continued…

This is only the beginning of what I love to do, write.  I will be continually writing on how and what happened throughout the time my father lived with cancer in my own perspective.  Honestly, I do not know why I am writing this down… maybe a form of therapy for me, maybe to remind me how God was truly with us along the way, or maybe to help someone else out through my learning experience.  Regardless… I would love to know your thoughts. Click Here for Part 2 on {Papi}

Until the next post,

Cynthia

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